Reality Bytes.

NOBODY READS THIS BLOG ANYWAY LOLOLOLOL

Sun, 12 Sep 2010 17:08:52 GMT

so yeah lately i've been down. again. seems i only post here when i'm feeling down.

[insert teenage angst here]
[insert teenage angst here]
[insert teenage angst here]
[insert teenage angst here]
[insert teenage angst here]

does 19 count as teenage?

i'm actually kinda sick of the same words i type over and over again. being alone. being lonely. being sad. being depressed. seriously Marie, isn't there anything else you should be saying right now????

of course there's a lot more to say. it's just that i'm feeling lost, that's all. i'm pretty sure i'm a sociable person. i've got friends. not just imaginary friends. i'm constantly updated and connected; i don't think i've missed out on anything lately. deadlines excluded.

i've tried going back to Gaia, just for the lulz. maybe i'd find something else. maybe i'd find a trigger to dispel my neverending whining. but then i realized, even if i met new friends there, the conversations wouldn't really last coz...

i don't have any real interests anyway. apparently i'm good with anything, but i just know the basics. sometimes i envy my other friends for hanging out with other people with nothing else in mind but [insert obsession here]. i really didn't want to be that so i could fit in with just about any crowd. an all-purpose jigsaw puzzle piece, apparently. i've just realized its downsides just now.

ah well. it's what i chose, right? might as well make do with what i already have.

an hour.

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 01:44:18 GMT

an hour that feels like six hours.

an hour for you to get here.

an hour to wait for you.

an hour to tell you how i really feel.

an hour to try my best to get over all these insane things that have been happening recently.

an hour to get over you.

an hour will never be enough.

concentration || motivation || saturation || procrastination

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:04:01 GMT

got a lot of things on my mind right now. and i don't even know what those things are.

i'm here doing my homework. or i was. technical stuff that even i can't comprehend. probably coz our prof discusses at a fast pace. probably coz i'm always spacing out. probably coz i'm not interested in the topic at all. probably coz of all these things. a recipe for a failing grade, that's how i see this. tsss. i shouldn't even be here.

but sometimes one has to escape from the world, right?

i've tried escaping recently, just for the heck of it. i've tried reading, playing games, watching whatever, yet i get bored easily. apparently the only acceptable way i can escape, or so my body perceives it that way, is through writing.

and to think i've stopped for a long time.

i've tried my best to stay in reality. so much that i've even interchanged the words in what i used to believe in. escape reality, embrace illusion. that's how it's been for the past 6 years. only recently have i managed to flip that around: embrace reality, escape illusion. yet over and over again i find myself where i was once before.

procrastinating.

forever procrastinating.

argh old habits die hard. why oh why oh why.

somebody haul me out of the doldrums. quick.

Angel Beats sobfest.

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 19:35:03 GMT

just finished watching Angel Beats.

and i cried a lot at the last episode, just like when i cried when Tomoya found out why Ushio wouldn't stop looking for the toy her dad bought for her in Clannad ~After Story~. Key really has this tear-jerker talent. i'd like to finish watching Kanon though, and see if it had the same effect on me. Air was good as well, but as i was bitter during the time that i watched it, it seemed more corny than sad. KyoAni's works for Key are particularly awesome.

anyway. Angel Beats made me think of a lot of things. about how life can be cruel. or how life can actually be fair. it all depends on the person living it, really. through his eyes only his perspective is seen. nobody really sees the underlying domino effects of their actions, now do they.

i really loved the bittersweet irony at the end. that was definitely worth watching. i won't be describing it here; please watch the series to experience its full effects. i just reminds me of how artistic humans really can be. mixed media is the the best. a good plot here, some wordplay there, with a stunning combination of shapes and lines and an interesting splash of color.

the Ef series is just as good as well, if we were talking about the artistic types of anime that suit my taste. i have Ef ~Tale of Memories~ with me; bought it at a second-hand bookstore for only P45. such a bargain, really. i haven't really found time to finish the series, but when i do i will immediately search for the sequel. probably just torrent it instead. maybe. i dunno. once i have time.

i just love these types of shows.

creative writing practice.

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 16:34:19 GMT

nobody ever really comes here anymore these days, unless i've visited random blogs and decided to post in their tagboard. or something.

anyway. as long as nobody i know comes here anymore, i know i'm safe. yes i would've preferred to write this in a private blog but... where's the fun in that? plus i put up a pretty header. i might as well be a bit active from time to time, yeah?

and this is also partly coz of my creative writing class. i've forgotten how to write the way i wrote before. i must resurrect my eccentric style of writing. perhaps i should start with vagueness? yes, i believe that should do the trick.

alright.

so. how are you?

it's been a while since i've seen you. i miss you already. when do i get to see you again? i'm actually quite busy these days. i mean, i've got an exam tomorrow (come to think of it i haven't even studied well for it yet.) i know i should be studying now, but for some reason i just can't concentrate. i keep getting distracted. i wish i knew exactly why. if i did i would've immediately eliminated that distraction; i would've focused on my lessons already. so here i am, writing, hoping that all my distracting thoughts would pour out, hoping that thoughts of you would just sit in a corner, patiently waiting while i try to get my job done.

but they are not behaved children. they are brats. i wish my thoughts would just behave. even for just a little while.

how are you? i'd really like to be with you right now. too bad i can't. i could probably just fly there, wherever you are. flying on the wings of love? goodness no, cheesy much..? whatever. you know what? if we were together right now, i'd fall asleep immediately. like i usually do. or at least i used to. remember? those times. i'd always feel so relaxed every time we meet. every time we just sat down together, just the two of us. hold on, was that really the case? or was it just to mask my lack of conversational skills? i wouldn't want to talk, so i'd feign drowsiness. was that it? my memory does not exactly serve me right, now does it. now i'm confused.

i crave a hug from you. i miss you so much. i can't wait to be with you again.

alright moving on...

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:08:23 GMT

YES I'M STILL HERE. :D missed me?

now that i've fixed my layout (in just what, two hours?) i should probably write my paper.

but i don't feel like it LOL

it's only July and here i am, already planning for Christmas. or something like that. actually i'm putting together a scrapbook about me and my boyfriend, addressed to him. (i doubt he's ever going to read this so i'll just keep talking.) our anniversary is on December 26, which is the day after Christmas Day, so yeah i guess we can also call it a Christmas present. and yes i am confident that we will last another year, so i'm starting this now.

we made a scrapbook last year, but we never finished it coz (1) he couldn't think of anything to write and (2) it was crap. i swear it was just plain fugly. i printed the pictures myself, then i realized that with the photo paper i used, the ink easily smeared. our faces looked distorted. i am so not keeping that scrapbook, i said.

so yeah i'm making another one. from scratch. and purely in my perspective because he didn't want to contribute much to the first one. i am so in control. i love being in control.

though yes when i comes to acads i am so not in control. argh.

maybe i should write my paper now.

just coz i feel like it.

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:41:00 GMT

procrastination. you are my best friend and worst enemy. damn guilty pleasures you give me. damn.

now i know i'm supposed to work to fulfill my goals blah blah blah but really, these things get tiring after a while, especially if one is not interested in the job he is supposed to do. now if only there was a way to make it fun...

i've got this really boring database project, hard copy relations due two weeks ago, and code implementation due last week. and i still, still can't get myself to finish. whenever i have the time i can't help but resist doing what is supposed to be done.

and the same goes for learning to cook, practicing piano, studying ahead, waking up... i am sooooo lazy aren't i. and i keep telling myself it's unhealthy. but for some reason i don't listen to myself. too bad. i give really good advice. i just wish i'd listen.

so anyway, here i am typing these things out of my mind, in hopes that i'd grow tired of thinking of other stuff and finally work on my database.

but once i get my drive back, i assure you, i will be such a workaholic. that's either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it. right now it's both. coz by the time i finish typing here it would be midnight, and i'd be continuing my work after midnight, and i need to finish quick so that i can still get to class at 9am. oh dear, i can only get so addicted to cramming.

i will be the lunatic who stands at the top of cramming. *insert insane laugh here*

meme++

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 11:46:59 GMT

oy. here we go again.

coz i was tagged by Hitori:

1. Post these rules.
2. Post ten random facts/habits about yourself.
3. Choose ten people to tag and list their names.

i guess i do need to update so here goes... but. i'm not tagging anybody. most of my friends have either quit blogging or have already done this so...

...

一 i'd rather hang out with guys than with girls. being the geek that i am, i find it easier to talk to guys about lots of things, from the stuff i like to the stuff that concerns all of humanity. i like talking to guys, especially when it comes to intellectual discussions. i love intellectual discussions. the girls around my area talk of shallower things, from the latest movie releases, to the latest shows, to gossip galore. sometimes one just wants to quit thinking about what's in front of them and just ponder on some things actually worth thinking about.

ニ once i realize i like something i instantly get hooked. Spore, Portal, DTX Mania, thousand piece jigsaws, papercraft, anime, photo manipulation, coding... gawd see how geeky i am? haha.

三 i love autumn. i love orange. what started out as an attempt to join the blogging community led to the creation of a random blog name (fierydepths) which triggered my obsessive-compulsive behavior (fiery in fierydepths==orange/peach layout) which led to me getting obsessed with autumn themes and colors. and with that coinciding with the season my birthday belongs to, i think it's awesome.

四 i used to hate essays. i didn't know how to write essays before. compared to my classmates answering essay questions in one or two paragraphs, i used to answer mine in one or two sentences. now look at how i constuct my blog entries. woohoo.

五 i am a walking contradiction. case in point: i keep saying i ABSOLUTELY HATE mushy gushy sappiness. but... look at my recent posts below!

六 i tend to practice the ma�ana habit a whole lot. it's either because i have too much to do or i've had nothing to do. i need more inspiration, more motivation, more will power. and probably more coffee, less caffeine tolerance. arrgh. acads, acads, acads.

七 i am allergic to peanuts, and will always be allergic to peanuts. even a whiff of peanut scent would get my throat to swell and itch and make me go berzerk. peanuts can kill me. i used to be allergic to other stuff too. some other nuts, fish and other seafood, citrus fruits, chocolate, certain soaps and lotions... yeah. i was a freak.

八 the only decent thing i can do in a household is cleaning. i can't cook, wash clothes, iron, water plants properly, do any gardening at all, or sew clothes. if i had a husband who'd request me to stay at home as a housewife i'd say HELL NO.

九 i want to learn japanese, but my ma�ana habit always, always gets to me. i'll find some motivation eventually...

十 i am sleepy, i am going to sleep now. that counts as a fact ok? XD

...

asking what a meme is? [click!]

first monthsary!

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:26:26 GMT

amazing how such newly-blossomed sparks of bliss can evolve into an emotion way deeper than expected in such a short span of time.

but, keep it short and simple, they say. so here.

i love you. beyond time, beyond reason, beyond existence. i really do.

grateful.

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 14:09:15 GMT

i've been scanning through my past entries in this blog. again.

i was actually quite amused by what i saw. i saw, inscribed in virtual ink, the oh-so-amazingly-complex thoughts of a what... 15-year-old? 16-year-old? apparently i really do have a wide vocabulary and an even wider imagination to come up with so many metaphors. XD

but i noticed something that most posts had in common: the atmosphere of depression. the complaints of always feeling insatiable, always feeling half-empty. always feeling that something's missing.

and after typing those last few words above, i just realized that right now i feel the exact opposite.

while scanning through those depressing posts, my past work of fiction whispered to me through every scroll, "when was the last time you felt complete?"

my heart answered for me, "just now."

mind over heart... somehow that doesn't work at all anymore. but at least it served its purpose the first few months after i committed to it. i was told that to revert (read: heart over mind) would be difficult once i got used to thinking "mind over heart". i didn't mind. i thought i could stay in my zombie state forever.

eventually i found out i was wrong, and that i really needed to change back to how i once was. but, it was hard. from being a zombie i had to revert to being human once again.

only coz i believe i've found someone who would keep me human, who would keep me sane, who would give me what i've been missing and patch them into the holes i had in the fabric of my soul.

and. immensely. i thank him for that.