played around with icons, desktop wallpapers and visual styles.... and ended up with this.


[click on image to full view]

lol. a Meisha-dominated desktop. green. everywhere.

i find this blog so amusing all of a sudden.

i just realized that though much time has passed, the only things that's changed here are the entries and the layout. the basic color and theme did not change, though, as well as the content of the sidebar. my likes and my dislikes. i've been too lazy to change my once-favorite links, as well.

and i've just realized as well, this blog is 4 years old.

i created this tiny realm of thought when i was 14. and some of its aspects remain that of my 14-year-old self. i suppose i need to change that.

4 years. goodness. imagine how much can change within 4 years.

i was once in high school, and now i'm in college. i was once shallow, and now i'm trying to read between lines. i once always acted on impulse, and now i'm trying to be practical. i was once a kid...

now... well what do you know. i'm finally a young adult. no longer am i a minor.

sometimes i find that hard to believe. i never really felt 18. how does one feel 18, anyway? is there supposed to be some strange aura when the clock suddenly strikes 12, indicating the arrival of one's birthday? a feeling of rebirth? freedom? as if one's restrictions have suddenly been uplifted?

coz i've never felt that way.

in fact, at times i don't care about my age at all. i've quoted this blog before and i quote it again, "...what matters is not how old the body is but the mind".

in 4 years' time i believe my mind has matured considerably.

yet in 4 years' time, my infatuation for him never subsided at all.

oh for fuck's sake....

i guess some things never do change, no matter what sort of method is used to attempt to induce it.

i'll give this blog a makeover soon, probably come 2009.

happy holidays, folks.

nakakatawa naman ako. nagpopost ng wishlist kung kelan bisperas na ng pasko.

i want:

1. black and white striped socks.
- meron na kong black and blue, black and green, tsaka black and red. pero bakit yung basic na black and white hindi ko na mahanap? at bakit wala akong pera nung nakita ko sya sa shop?!?!?!? sob....

2. 1 Tb external hard drive.
- actually 100-500 Gb pwede na. pero. syempre. para cool. 1 Tb FTW!

3. dark blue long length wig.
- para sa Lime cosplay ko. kilala nyo na. Lime from Saber Marionette J. yung ganung wig.

4. argyle socks, checkered mini skirts and combat boots.
- dahil trip kong magpaka-grunge. kaso kulang ang outfit ko.

5. that freaking P3000 tiger at Blue Magic.
- coz it's cute. pwede ba. XD

6. a digicam.
- coz lotsa people have one and i don't! :(

7. Chucks.
- same as #6.

8. a boyfriend.
- LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

silent. cold. tranquil.

so this is what december's like?

so quiet. as if a sudden movement will provoke some sort of nymph, immediately turning the intruder of tranquility into ice. iced creatures scattered about the area yet hidden from sight, hence the cold. no one dares provoke the nymph much more, so tranquility prevails.

i was just upstairs a minute ago, out by the veranda. it's my favorite part of the house, besides my own room. i like it there a lot, an open space with a fantastic view of the vast grassland right beside our house. some say it's a swamp, though. my mom said it used to be farmland.

i get to do a lot of thinking up there. thoughts. gentle thoughts. building up, slowly becoming complex. complex.. and frequently, bitter.

just like the cold, the longer i stay there, especially while wearing clothes of thin fabric. i feel at first a gentle breeze. building up, blowing harder. colder... and eventually bitter.

i do love the rustle of the leaves when that happens, though. the sound is just somewhat hypnotic.

but i don't like the bitterness. especially the bitterness i still feel. somehow these things are just hard to get by.

i want it out of my system as soon as possible.

i want it out of my mind for good.

i don't know why it's been so hard for me. and for three years now. THREE. WHOLE. YEARS. it's just... wrong.

just... so wrong...

coz...

i love someone else now.

i realized last night, as were were talking on the phone, that 'like' is too weak a word to summarize what exactly i feel for him.

i admit it, i'm in love with him. i just can't help thinking about it, i'm in love with him. i want him to hear me say those words personally, i'm in love with him.

and i know so well.

he's in love with me too.

reply to http://werickolicious.multiply.com/journal/item/2/dedicated_to_my...

[and i promise not to be a grammar nazi while i'm at it. i swear the entry above is somewhat grammar nazi-inducing.]

first of all... we were never friends.

i never really liked you. the first few months after we met, i NEVER cared at all. i just cared for connections. to acknowledge your existence was enough. our relationship didn't need to go deep.

i always knew you liked me, though. or probably it was just my inflated ego thinking those thoughts for me. i knew that your holding my hand at Splash Island was an accident. i thought you wouldn't mind it. i let go, but you kept taking my hand back into yours. i wondered if 'awkward' was actually part of your vocabulary, coz it definitely was in mine.

a month after we met you confessed to me. i hated it. a lot. i kept thinking... "mind over heart." just because i got used to it. and probably coz i still felt attached to someone else. [that someone else could be one of two people, though. ambiguous much?] heck i didn't even see you for one whole sem, and i didn't make any effort to get to know you more for one whole year.

until...

my curse was lifted up. a promise countered by another promise.

i promised someone that i would shell myself and focus only on my future without realizing that i had once promised someone else beforehand that i wouldn't close my heart to others.

but as soon as i realized that... i guess that made me free.

but still i didn't think much of you...

...until you completed my song.

once upon a time that i was on coffee high i wrote a song for no one. how i was able to actually complete such a decent hopeful song while i was still extremely emo is beyond me. i was bored and you brought a guitar along with you. and so i sang that song to you. you came up with chords for it. and then everything just felt different.

that was the first time i admitted to liking you.

but how about now?

now... i just can't stop thinking about you. everytime we're together, i feel safe. i actually enjoy every moment of us being together. i never thought i would.

you keep telling me how i completely changed you, that's why you firmly chose me. you say you're willing to risk everything just to be with me. you keep asking why it's so hard for me to believe that. of course it's hard to believe. i've never really considered myself special anyway, no matter how many people have said that. i just don't think i'm worth much. after all, after being considered special, as time passes by i seem to tend to lose my value. how are you any different from them?

but then again. i want to try. i want to try my luck at actually being something more with you, some kind of a significant improvement.

hey boy. i miss you right now. i miss you a lot. a whole lot more than moments ago, much more than hours, days ago. i can't wait to see you again.

maybe... maybe this is what love is...?

prove me right.